Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in nazi5wonthewar's LiveJournal:

Sunday, September 19th, 2004
5:16 pm	what the fuck is the point of this everytime i lie to myself like. god i fucking hate this and everything i do thats like this. why the fuck am i so different? why cant i jsut have like 1 person everyone else can. im just fucking here no1 to talk to no1 for shit. everytimg i fool myself into thinking o these new great friends... it was just me fucking being an idiot. im not who i was b4 i dont look like i did b4.. no1 likes me for that... hah its so fucking pathetic like all the guys who talk to me ok they ddint see me with long hair see a pic and like this kid yesterday damn ur hott and then like think they'll just talk to me till my hair gets long again and shit like that i mean WHAT THE FUCK. FUCK THEM im so fucking over this shit. ok what i feel this is what i feel. what do i feel how can uexplain moments in ur life that take evry last bit of strength out of u. moments that no tear is enough. momments that make u feel like u cant take one more step because your on the edge of a never ending cliff. thats my whole life. im on this fucking cliff. u know in catcher in the rye how he wanted to catch the kids b4 they went over the cliff. i think that was one of the most beautiful things ive ever read. but me. i had no1 to catch me i have no1 to catch me. where are the catchers actually at. its like every1 else gets caught right b4 they go over and the few that dont never come back.they miss me and miss me over and over again and everytime i come back and think this is it this time im going to get caught. but i dont. its like the dream i always thinkg about. its a sillohoute of me.. like i just know its me, im on this cliff in the middle of no where in the desert its all orangish and i spread my arms out and i feel the wind flowing all through my body i stand there arms in the air feeling the wind blow all through me and thats it. thats what i want to do thats where i want to be. standing on a cliff feeling the wind blow. everything thats happened just in a ball right above my head. one blur... theyre all mixing together and im feeling it above my head. everynow and then bits come out of its and i feel it but the wind blows it away. i wish i had a catcher. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 9th, 2004
10:29 pm	ya so i havent done this in a while i could go over the shit thats gone on and boy its a lot... but what's the point.... the only thing that matters now is what the outcome has been. at first shitty as hell but now finally i actually realize how crazy i had been going. i was so upset about my life that i was making it worse for myself. i made myself believe i liked some1 i didnt even really like, i think i just wanted to feel like i belonged somewhere. but i mean its crazy hah i really had no actual feelings for him but it was just b/c he was talking to me and i was having i guess u could say like a really emotional point in my life i made myself like him. but what i fucked up even worse on was i well ok u know the saying keep ur friends close ur enemies closer ya well some1 was doing that to me. i fell for it all they kept telling me i really liked this person making me sound like i was fucking obsessed and i just let them do it. i cant blame them. i was at a weak and pathetic stage of my life one im not planning on returning to netime soon but i actually let myself believe that bullshit. it got to the point where i was like hating myself. i seperated that person from my life, realized i didnt even like the one guy and got the fuck away from it all... but i was still doing pretty shitty. and i mean it wasnt till last week i realized all this shit that was wrong. i fucking missed my friends. not the ones i have now that just use and talk about eachother but my old ones. they just all the sudden started comming over and doing all this stuff with me and i finally belonged again its great. my friends since last year just talked to me at school would come over everynow and then just to bitch about somthing then tell me about all the shit they did with so and so but i never was invited ahh the glory of not being a stoner or idiot. my new friends were making me feel like shit. and i now i have the old guys back and its great they come over like everyday we go out and do stuff... they never make me feel like shit i fucking belong. thats the only reason why i had tried to make myself like taht one guy... just b/c he was nice to me. but neways now ive worked out a lot of my shit i have to see my dad sometime soon and if i can get past that then fuck i dont know what else i can do. i also met this really nice and pretty good looking :) guy thats fucking writes poetry hehe my kind of guy.. but neways we're hanging out tomorrow and going to the movies with some of the old gang... i'm really happy... its funny last month or like 2 weeks ago i was man i was bad every1 treated me like shit it felt like and no1 actually liked me... but hanging out with all them again and some of the new ppl god i love just fucking belonging again. its so funny the things u search for, for so long (in my case since like 8th grade) are right in ur face the whole time. i had told myself 4ever it i held on it owuld finally work out and it has and im fucking happier than i can remember in a long time.NO1 using me or talking behind my back. this is good.... ok so i still dont sleep... haha fuck sleep im over it :D (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
10:28 am	wow so i got over that kid real easy... he just said something to me that was so fucked up and just no it was fucked up. he doesnt fucking understand me and who the hell does he think he is to try and act like he does... maybe its my problem i dont get along with most ppl. see actually i can very easily get along with ppl. but like always every1 at our school nearly everyone is and asshole to other ppl so when the person im with starts talking shit about a person/group of ppl i dont think its right. i dont want to be around ppl like that. so i dont hang out with them. thats why i dont get along with most ppl. secondly i dont want to hang out with stupid stoners all the time or ppl who are completely obbsessed about their appearence. sure thats my own fucking problem i never said it wasnt. but im not changing myself to get along with the ppl around here. im not going to live here forever 2 more years and im leaving. theres always going to be assholes to put up with and im fully capable of doing it. but when i dont have to and when I KNOW its not helping me at all just making it harder for me to learn i dont want to stay doing it. i couldnt even answer questions in english class without getting made fun of. it would be the right answer and enterpreting the story or w/e it was about perfectly right. but since i fucking did it and understood it i got shit yelled at me all during class. and its not a fucking question of whether i can handle it or not i can fucking handle it fine. its a question of why the fuck am i putting up with this bullshit for no reason at all. o well to a better note my friend that moved to cali. after i gave her a self esteem boost went and picked up some hott ass guy :) very proud of her, knew she had the balls. so i might go with these two guys we're friends with up to see her new years... i should be able too. so im happy about that. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 19th, 2004
3:11 pm	so i dunno what the fuck im gonna do i just keep getting more and more down. i really like this kid but he doesnt like me so. wooooooo. im fucked all around b.c i talk to him A LOT. i should just take the fucking advice he gave me and like some1 else... but i cant because i dont even normally like one fucking person so i need to stop talking ot him but i really like talking to him but maybe after a few months ill be over it... ill really miss talking to him but maybe itll be better for me in the end. i dunno man this sucks.... i remember my friend said one time she wished she could just forget her past. i know i sure fucking do. im so self conscious about being made fun of and that i look really ugly like all the time.. like the guy i like... i think hes way too good for me.. he really is.. i dont have my "pretty" long hair nemore but o well fuck my long hair haha wooo neways. yah i hate being made fun of although the one thing ill give myself credit on is i do have some fcuking balls and will say shit back to them but i gotta admit it still does bother me despite whehter i let myself realize it or not... like last night some1 said something about me and i felt really shitty about it i dunno made me real self conscious.o well i just have to deal. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 14th, 2004
10:34 pm	so sitting here after the d12 show... haha those guys kick ass.. my sister dates the coolest guys ((her b.f being their manager) neways i have a new found love for rap... those guys are just like me their one song all it was was fuck school and your education... haha sounds just like me. o and even more kick ass my same sisters one pro wakeboarder freind should be able to get me and amanda back stage passes at warped tour!!!!!!!!!1 FUCK YAH!!!!!!! that means im fucking hanging out wiht anti-flag!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 im so fucking happy. well neways i dont know what im doing with my life now. ya thats pretty normal for me but i dunno... last year i stayed at sl b/c i had shit to prove... now what do i have? nothing ive proved i can handle every1 and all the shit they can say/do to me. so now im like what the fuck is the point of going back, i did what i knew i had to do to fucking take a stand against all those bastards and now why the hell do i wanna go back? i have two friends at that whole fucking school amanda and kile... hell one lives across the street the other is over everyday...so... i mean i would stay but i dont im not like ne1 else there. i dont wanna put up with fucking harrassment nemore. i get called a fucking communist for the shit i read. OK GOT THAT WHAT I READ.because im fucking pro peace because i dont believe in watching ppl die for our country to have enough oil to last another 35 yrs. my anti-flag stuff i get sucks written beside it... its bullshit... i dont care though really... i fucking made a bush shirt that said international terrorist over his pic that straightened that shit out... wow neways back to my point... i have no clue what the hell i wanna do... and i REALLY like this one guy... have yah... all summer... wooo... and i have no fucking balls b/c i dont think he likes me at ALL like that no matter how good of friends we are.. so yaaaa life is fucking fantastic. o well fuck the world is all i have to say. go listen to some subhumans and zone out. (Comment on this)
Monday, July 12th, 2004
11:18 pm	bum bu du dum its patti. havent written in a while. wow i have a lot to write about so im just not going to write about it. i was stuck in the desert though for like 10 days... really puts shit into perspective though. hmm i think i should tlak about what ive learned so far this summer... its just the only thing that seems fitting for the mood im in right now. people can try to put u down just so they can feel good about themselves(if ur saying wow idiot i never figured that b4.. then fuck u and quit reading my shit) others have to be constantly congradulated on everything they do. but i mean thats newhere from ppl constantly telling them they are doing the right thing to having ppl always have to laugh at u to make u feel like yet again ur doing the right thing. theres ppl who when all the sudden things start going well get as my mom says too big for their britches and stick their foot completely in their mouth's as soon as they pick on some1 who is not intimidated or scared to stand up for themselves. PUTTING PEOPLE DOWN DOES NOT MAKE U BETTER THAN THEM MAKING PPL CRYING DOES NOT MAKE YOU STRONGER THAN THEM WHEN SOME1 (ONE IN EVERY 9,000) KILLS THEMSELVES BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU DOES THAT MAKE U FEEL STRONG AND GOOD ABOUT URSELF?DO U SLEEP BETTER AT NIGHT? i hope To god it does because i can't see nething that even partially justificates that. i've met some people that if i were them i wouldnt even get out of bed in the morning. and as if life isnt hard enough for them they actually go out in the world only to be put down and taunted by PEICES OF SHIT going no where in life. THEY ARE NOT THE PROBLEM people who make fun of other people for their weight the way the look or for them standing up for what they think is right is the problem. like anti-flag says u dont have to be a racist to be a nazi fuck, the way they act gives them credentials enough. get it? (if u cant make the conection of that with what im writing about then why the hell are u still reading this?) I will never judge any one again i will never not talk to some1 because of the way the look or who they hang out with. i will never do it again never. even if some1 never makes fun of other ppl, your still just as bad as the ones who make fun of ppl for being fat when u choose not to tlak to some1 because of the way they look or dress.we are not meant to judge one another everyone has shit to put up with some more than others, if u ever get mad b.c u have so much more shit wrong with u than the other person and all they do is bitch about their problem that isnt even one. dont get upset just fucking think thats because ur stronger than them sure if u were put in their shoes u would be fine. but if they were in urs they would die. we all have an equal percentage of problems compared to how strong we and our friends/family are or just ourselves.although i really could easily hate and beat the shit out of a few ppl i know who love putting others down i know it proves nothing except that im weaker than them and in reality they are even weaker than the ppl they make fun of. thats why they do it. they hope u dont realize how they really are when every1 else is gone and theyre left with no1 but themselves. they are weak. and i really do feel sorry for them. i just wish other ppl would quit laughing at them, quit just sitting there and giving them the fuel they need to keep going. i wish they would just stop thinking about what social problems it would cause for them and look at the person whos being made fun of, then the person doing it, and the ppl laughing. see how they look like donkeys... yah thats where asshole came from... not butt hole... asshole to me is like the appitamy((hole)) of a donkey((ass)) they look just like donkeys. they are pathetic dont let urself become like them. stand up for the weaker person, sure it'll piss ppl off but it might change a lot of other ppls minds too. if we quit giving these assholes what they need( u laughing at them) they have NOTHING they realize what they are and have is NOTHING. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 30th, 2004
6:27 pm	woo hoooo So i have nothing to do and haven't written in this for almost two months (man i suck at keeping up with things). Oh well back to what i was saying... damnit i don't even know what i was going to type. Ok, right, so ya it's summer vacation now... haven't really done anything, the Day After Tomorrow came out last night and i've already seen it twice :D the best fucking movie ever made[not counting documentaries :)]The only thing i've gone to was Matts b-day party which sucked ass seeing as there were people there i knew in my "past life" i'll call it, and i don't want to be reminded of that point in my life... i wondered if i would be happy with some of the guys i had given up b4 like the girls that are with them now... then gradly i rememebered... i wouldnt be because i'm not her(thank the lord) and i don't want to be her because i would kill myself for being such a self centered asshole and plus i couldnt handle being with any of those guys. so i'm good once again.I've been talking to this one kid everyday since school has been out online, i've never talked to some one this much in my life.. and i actually like talking to him a lot... it's really cool. But today he's been gone... and i've realized how shitty it is not talking to him and how much i love talking to him... wow i'm a weirdo. I talked to my good old buddy thats in rehad sort of place she'll be out in 3 weeks so i'm really happy i've been so worried about her for like 2 months now ((previous entries)). So i'm glad she's comming home and plus the little green guy((holds a flag.. stole him from some assholes house :D... i nearly fell out of the car going 70 while we were driving off... stupid flag got in the way of the door... o well back to what i was saying) What was a saying? o yah the little green guy has really missed her too. Cheyenne moved to Jersey :( i talked to her the night b4 last and started bawling on the phone i miss her so much... she was the only girl that i've ever gotten along with and has been so much like me... we'd go to shows((then dennys)) and just beat the shit out of eachother... good times... we started talking about when we had stolen these cones... then moses and dennys and i just couldnt stop crying. she's trying to save up to come down here to go to Warped Tour and i'm so freaking happy... i hope to god she can make it... everyday she's down we can go to shows and dennys... and Warped Tour is going to be amazing. Neways, i'm listening to this band Cursive... never heard them b4... they aren't punk or any real type of music... they have an organ and violin... i love violins so i love the songs... violins are the greatest thing in the world... ok done typing now... i hope my little buddy i talk to all day online gets home soon... it's pretty lonely without him to talk to... i'm so amazed i can stand talking to him... i've NEVER been able to do that b4...strange.... (Comment on this)
Saturday, May 8th, 2004
12:27 pm	Well... taking a break from looking at the MIT website... where i'm going to go for college and marry noam chomsky... i remembered i hadn't written in this for a while.. so what have i done today... well read Amy Goodman's book... god it's greeat... jamming out to good old Against Me! o yah i was so pissed out last week cuz their show was sold out when i got to wills pub I wasa nearly about to take out two huge ass security guards and that god damn idgit that wouldn't let me in... I was reading the bok by the so called psychic Norstadamus... man I had to take a break from reading it... it's so real... and the shit he prophasized that haven't happened yet... they are so... man i dunno like he talks about parts of the world flooding and there being entire countries fleeing but he's so spefic and it's exactly what scientists are saying will happen because of global warming... so reading that book and reading shit at greenpeace is NOT a good mix. O man i went to Seven Mary Three last night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok i thinkg i need a few more exclamation points!!!!!!1 ok... good enough... dear lord it was so fucking great!!!!!!!!!! When seven mary three was playing me and 4 of the band members from one more thing and big 10-4 were singing and dancing to all the songs... since i was the only person there besides them that new all the words to everysong haha... it was so great... u know they're these huge popular bands and they were hanging out with a 14 year old during the show.. they kick ass.. i asked the singer dan from big 10-4 to marry me and he said yes so i guess i'm a fiancee now haha. well if u can't tell at all i'm still really excited from the show... o yah, and what was even more cool was for like an hour b4 their show they stood out by the bathrooms and were autographing stuff and talking to people... very kick ass!!!..and they played 12 songs!! and after the last song they came BACK on after the curtains closed and played one more song!!! damn i love those guys... I hope Tiger Army's show is good this wed., it better be or there will be serious consequences... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 28th, 2004
4:53 pm	wow it's so sad when u read or listen to ppl telling u how happy they are b/c of this one person and all that bs but all theyre doing is setting themselves up for a huge disaster... i mean they are completely depending on some1 else to make them happy... what happens when that person is over them.. breaks up with them.. anything... i'll tell u it's depression... hating everyone... feeling so god damn sorry for themselves and blamming everyone else... when really if they listened to themselves at all just hours b4 they would realize it was just them setting themselves up. u can't depend on everyone else to do what u should be able to do for urself... ya it's great to find some1 ur happy with but not get so attached that ur only happy w/ them and can't freaking live without them.. ok im done with my ranting.. god i hope no1 reads this or i'll feel like an idiot... o well.. too late for that (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 25th, 2004
9:52 am	so this weekend has kind of been eventful... went to avenged sevenfold fri night.. i dont even listen to them but me and my sis were leaving the movies right when ricky and fat kid were walking in to see them and me and becky didn't have ne money so they paid for us to go in with them which was very cool and nice.. and the show kicked ass i must say...then alst night went with cheyenne to house of ska/punk again at hob and right now i'm about to go to earth day birthday with my mom should be fun.. hopefully... it bothers me so much with ppl that when u look at them they look so melancholy and shit but then they have like the freakin happiest lives... u know great g/f / b/f all that good shit and then everything they freakin have and wear and god just everything they own and do trys to make them off as some depressed teenager... it's really fucked up, they have it so fucking good and then have the audacity to freakin act like they have shitty lives and w/e when they don't even know what it's like to man.. i need to shut up.. ok we're leaving now.. later days... (Comment on this)
Friday, April 23rd, 2004
1:37 pm	nothing ..wow i'm never doing anything... i just finished reading the black flag last night and gave it to kile to read... it was a really kick ass book... i hadnt read about nething ocnnected to anarchy in like a month so it was a good book to get me back in the mood lol... we had a us POW from the holocaust giving a speacvh today.. i wish he would've detailed stuff... he was great with his tone of vioce.. he had real compassion.. but he said he'd given hundreds of speaches and just talked about stuff as if we already knew abou tit and didn't really go into details at all.. kind of dissapointing but hey the guys old and just assumed we already knew about hima nd what all he'd been through and was proly sick as hell of talking about it. well last night i was really upset about a lot of shit and i think what made it worse is the guy i like has a g/f and ya.. im not gonna say life sucks or nething just because it doesnt even seem right to say... it was really upsetting and ya thats yah... i'll quit writing about that... god i'm glad no1 reads this i sound like a dumbass.. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
2:28 pm	nothing so anothe weird connection today.. yesterday my mom was talking about how my friend had just acted to harshly and quick w/o thinking about what she was doing b.c she tol d her mom she did after they went to yah...and she realized what she had done was stupid she told her mom so again reading another story in english its about how this guy assumes something and kills himself only to find out the girl was sleeping... and it asks u something like do u thing like why u think he acted like that and is that and would that really happen or somehtingl ike that... it's so crazy how things in life are so similiar.. we think we are so different but there's probably been tons of people nearly just like us in the past or even now... so ya... the dream i had when i was little about jumping off the cliff and just falling... ya i keep thinking about it again.. that's never good... it's not like a suicidal dream... it's i dunno falling.. u see what's important... u could feel the wind blowing all other u and thinking about... yah.. thats why i always think about it... what would i be thinking about??? i'm not sure... thats really sad but if i were purposly falling off a cliff i'm not even sure what i would be thinking about... i think my entire life is a lot similiar to standing on the end of a cliff and making up ur mind what ur gonna do... but if u mess up one time and have to step back.. u can't. dear lord im a weirdo.. o well (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 21st, 2004
12:27 pm	isn't it still crazy how life works out to what seems the most pointless endings.. and how everything is so crazily connected.. the connections might not even be shown for lifetimes.. like i read the red abis two days ago in class... i find out today the little neighbor girl i used to talk to died from her tumor in coma, like that. i miss the little weirdo it's like she was saved though.. my best friend last night tried to kill herself.. she took a thing of tylenol and some other drug they can't get out of her system... she might die in the next two days i feel like a jackass... we knew she was supposed to be seeing a therapist i shoulda fucking made her i shouldve beat the shit out of her fucking good for nothing white trach peice of shit mom, i didnt sure i tried to talk to her and help her but not as much as i shouldve. my mom had just said last night it was the calm right b4 her big storm... she'd been trying to talk to her mom but i dunno not enough to get her point across it's like we kinda knew what was going to happen and just like we threw a few bacon bits a day to a starving dog. my mom is sayign think the best but what if its like the red abis... he lived so long went through so much hard work accomplished so much, just to die. maybe she's meant to, to teach us all a lesson, to help us later in life.. maybe shes meant to live to go and help others and teach them in life. i don't know.maybe it's better for her to die.. no it's not god i uhh i i dont even know what to type my mind is so mixed right now, right b4 i got home i was all worried out fucking eyeliner and were ppl tlaking about me, what shit. society has gone too far... if the world ended right now no1 would deserve to live not even the fucking pope. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
5:13 pm	nothing So i finally made my new journal.. i had an old ((kick ass)) one no1 knew about... not sure if im gonna tell ne1 about this one either but o well.. neways... i didn't go to school today and yaaa i've done absolutely nothing just read like usual... march 28 theres a "spring fling" from noon till 5 i think ACLU orlando direct action ACORN and some other org.s are doing it so it should be really cool... i missed the last one that was on national protest day but o well at least i can (so far) go to this one.. july is amy goodman's book reading!! im so fucking excited.. shes like ((well, is)) a fucking god... wow either i cuss when im really happy or really pissed...o well.. well im gonna go talk my mom into taking me to the bookstore... i thought i had all chomsky's books but then i realized im missing one so i gotta get it or i'll go crazy...O and gotta sign up for those f-ing shoes at adbusters damnit... LATER DAYS-FLATTI PATTI (Comment on this)